Gone
by Lalis
Summary: Sam and Dean's reflections after All Hell Breaks Loose part I and II. TAG! Lots of angsty and fluffy thoughts. Gen. ONESHOT


A/n: Hey! Missed you all! ;) So, the thing is: here I am, in the middle of a computer lab (I actually came early to rehearse a play, but nobody else remembered to fricken show up), and I remembered last night's AHBL part 2. I cried for the WHOLE episode – nobody but the Winchester brothers can put me in tears and sobs for an HOUR! So, anyway. It just screamed "TAG ME", so I had to! Here is the product, I hope you enjoy…

The song choruses are (respectively) from Avril Lavigne's _When You're Gone_ and Eminem's _When I'm Gone._

Oh! Takes place when the brothers go to the motel that night and the lights are off, OK?

(Sam's POV)

Dean… Finally, you're asleep. I watch your chest rise and fall rhythmically, then close my own eyes, not even trying to fall asleep. Because I can't help but remember that, in 365 days, your chest won't rise and fall with your steady breathing anymore. _Because of me_.

Dude… Why'd you do that? Why? I was already dead – darn it, I'd been dead for some time now. You could do what you did when Dad died: mourn a little, but move on. Hell, I know it'd be hard, but eventually you'd forget! And then you wouldn't be sent to hell in a year. _A year_… God, Dean, what am I gonna do without you? Huh? What is it gonna be like to wake up and not have a brother on the next bed, not have somebody to save my ass on the last second or make a smartass comment every now and then? Why, Dean, why did you trade your life for… For a life that's already pretty meaningless anyway?

I mean, come on. You're the good one. Dad was too strict, too scared of everything that might happen to us, too brave about all the rest, too… You know? And what about me? Hell, I left you guys when you needed me. I didn't care about anything other than going to college and becoming a lawyer. I'm the one you always have to drag around. But you, Dean, you could go on.

Without you, I'm gonna break. I know it. We lost Mom, Dad, it was just me and you – you're all I have, Dean, you're _everything_. When you're gone… I don't know what I might do. I may just give up everything.

You're all I have to make me move on. Not just with hunting, but with my _life_.

Dean… My big brother… You _are _my life.

_When you're gone_

_The pieces of my heart are missing you_

_When you're gone_

_The face I came to know is missing too_

_When you're gone, the words I need to hear_

_To always get me through the day_

_And make it OK_

_I miss you…_

(Dean's POV)

Sammy… Unable to sleep, I open my eyes and watch you resting on your bed peacefully, aware that you're still awake. The view of you moving slightly is more soothing than anything… Because once, you didn't move. Not long ago, you were dead. Your still body rested on the bed as I talked to you, and you didn't move a muscle.

I still think of that and it sends a chill up and down my spine. I know you gave me that incredulous look when I told you about the deal, but seriously, what did you expect me to do? Just give up and bury you? Have a nice little funeral for my little brother? I think you know me better than that, Sammy. Because I couldn't let you die. And in a year – a year – it'll all be over, and at least I know you'll be safe. Heartbroken, probably. But safe.

Me? I'm not saying I want to die – _believe me_, I tried to push the deadline further! – but I've reached a point where I don't really care. Between you and me… You know which one I'll always pick, little brother. I failed in protecting you, in keeping you safe – but I won't make the same mistake twice, Sammy.

You'll get over it someday after I die, Sammy, and then it'll all be OK. After all, without me, you wouldn't have to worry about hunting, or demons… You could go back to college, like you've always wanted. But me? Sammy, without you I wouldn't have a reason for basically anything. It would make no sense. Nothing made _any_ sense when you were gone – nothing - , and I know this wound is one that time won't heal. So, yeah, even hell is better than what I would have gone through if I hadn't made that deal with the demon. You'll be fine, Sammy. And I'll be proud of you.

_When I'm gone, just carry on _

_Don't mourn, rejoice_

_Every time you hear the sound of my voice_

_Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling_

_And I didn't feel a thing_

_So baby don't feel no pain_

_Just smile back…_

A/n: Love it? Hate it? Somewhere in between? Well, review!


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